Trials and Tribulations in a Nut Shell

Solitude

Why its sometimes comfortable to be lonely and at other times too lonely to be comfortable

Drinking

Why its at times too much fun to be unhealthy and at other times too unhealthy to be fun

Socialising

Why is at times rewarding to be not indulged in and at other times too draining to be indulging in

Compassion

Why at times is it absolutely cruel to not be kind and at other times a bit too patronising to be too kind

Fun

Why at many times it seems never too enough but shortly after it mostly seems too excessive

Moderation

Why at any time there are no two ways about moderation but equally every time it is too boring to be moderate

And the big question is where and how does happiness fit into all this??? 

Thinking of

topics, titles, complications, boredom.

Thinking of

why the world takes itself and others so seriously? Surely if Trump is the president, the world can’t be a serious place? 

Thinking of

what happened to that spirited confused cynic without a mission who became the spirited non confused non cynic with a mission who has now ended up being a confused, cynic with a mission but not spirited any more? 

Thinking of

the book that was written, in the thoughts and the mind with exact scenarios and words and ideas and concepts, but not recorded. How would that book have contained all the disjointed thoughts of slash, unrequited love, intense friendships and passion and dreams that didn’t quite come together into a story or novel, which disjointed on its own were actually quite exciting (even if I say so myself)

Thinking of

the lesson quite shockingly I learnt about myself that ultimately - I am a passionate person despite not having a singular passion in life. I am an ambitious person, despite not sticking to the norms of ambition. I am determined person, despite always seemingly giving up. I am an innovative person, despite innovation being limited to finding crazy ways of having fun, wait, that I think I always have been. I am an adaptable person, errr…no that I am still not.

Thinking of

Of why there is so many whys, whats, whens in my life? Why have I lost the fun loving child in me, what do I really want in life, when did life become so boring and grown up.

Thinking of 

getting back to my writing. The distinctive writing showing the immature, crazy, funny (not necessarily witty) side .

2010

With 30 approaching me with rapid speed my life has suddenly become more confusing than it ever was. well, ok, it is in one way the same and yet in other ways different.

I am beginning to become my old self after being a recluse for almost a decade. okay, not a decade but for at least half of it. But its a constant tug of war now, my recluse self holding a strong grip on me, whilst my old, not particularly extroverted but a more sociable self, raising its not so ugly head every now and then. But then again it could just be the time of the year when everyone is jolly. You want to seek the warmth from any and every quarter considering the weather is not so. Infact is quite the contrary.

I am beginning to lose my old idealistic self, the self that believes in ideals that aren't particularly utilitarian (well, thats why they are called ideals aren't they?) nor necessarily idealistic enough to hold on to. But curiously I am finding that the 'ugly' practical self is not so non idealistic afterall. I mean did any one ever say they have to be mutually exclusive.

I am beginning to see my age in others. When i think of myself in isolation i don't feel 30. I don't feel 20 or 10 or 50. I just don't feel any age. But when I see these 20 somethings at work and here and there and the 30 somethings and the 50 somethings, I begin to see my age. I really do. I feel young, younger, old and older. Not necessarily in any particular pattern. But even so, in as much as age is a matter of mind, age belongs to a generation as well.

I am also beginning to see the futility in certain things I sought. say for instance, search for passion, as i'd liked to call it. That, that is the biggest farce, is my current opinion. There is no such thing as passion. If you choose it to be, anything can be your 'passion' and if you don't nothing will ever be. I never thought my work would ever be my passion, but the last year it has been. It may not be this year and I don't particularly want it to be, but it was truly satisfying to know that passion is what you work for, not what makes you work. To know that there is nothing special waiting for you to chance upon, nothing that you were meant to do specially is for me a difficult thing to deal with. To understand this is liberating yet extremely painful. Well, 2010 maybe different. I might in a couple of months start looking for my passion, but hell, I can only think what I think now!

(Written in 2010 posted in 2017, don't know why!)

If home is where the heart lies then I am HOMELESS!!!

It is a long time ago now
that there was nothing before.
Nothing to remember, recall
Nothing to expect, win or lose.

Every now and then
Can we not start afresh
Tabula rasa!
Learn, unlearn, learn.

Why must time be so long
yet memory of it so short
future be so inaccessible
and past thus unchangeable?

How come the world is so full
of people, things, opinions and ideas
yet everyone seems empty
the hollowness echoes loud.

Whats with this paradox
yin yang, duality in everything
how is unison to be achieved
or something else to stop this futility?

I can't stop wondering ..

at the spectacle that life (and death) has become or maybe always was (I am sure you know what I am refering to!)

at the lack of feeling in some and of excess in others...

at the forever reality vs idealism (whatever each maybe) debate

at how overrated 'being in lurve..' is

at how underrated 'individuality' is

at how insecure we all are despite doing everything to secure our security

at how many things there are to wonder about!

I just can't stop wondering

when I am happy with life it somehow seems its not my life

when I am excited about something it somehow seems its not for me

when I am committed to something it somehow seems its not me

when I am at peace I am more anxious!!!

wake up, let the dreams break
wake up, smell the flowers
wake up, give life a chance
wake up for a while atleast.

wake up so you see the alternate
wake up till you miss the sleep
wake up to do something different
wake up for a while atleast.

Doubt

What is the limit to Loyalty, if there is any

CIRCUS

Life goes round and round in a circle. No kidding. And not just mine. Everyone's. Individually and collectively.

What has not happened before that is happening today. The economic meltdown, 'War on Terror' ('terror on terror'?), health crisis in africa and in general the sorry state of affairs any where in the world.

Why do people blame me alone for not learning from past mistakes? Who ever does? Have 'we' learnt from our past mistakes. If anything we make the same mistakes but at a grander scale. What's that about?

I am (or I make myself) immune to our collective mistakes as I desperately try to focus on my personal mistakes. In almost a masochist way. And the cynic in me leaves with me no hope, for me as individual or for the world as a whole.

So if people are saying this too shall NOT pass, I disagree. This too shall pass, as have the centuries before and will the centuries after.

One doesn't have to be fortune teller to see ourselves repeating all of this and expressing a sense of disbelief as though it never happened before our time or never will happen after our time.

The truth of the matter is it will, it sucks and none of us really care! We are all waiting for life to pass by and thats about it. I know I am!

Define

Fantasy - escape from Reality

Reality - Fantasy gone bad

Dichotomy

What is this thing

that everybody claims to know

but no one really does?

What is this thing

that everybody claims to feel

but one rarely ever does?

What is this thing

that keeps the world going

or so it seems?

What is this thing

thats everywhere

yet nowhere to be found?

What is this thing

that has my most sincere faith

yet I can never believe its existence?

What is this thing

that makes me a romantic now

and then a cynic?

Shadow

What can I say
of the cherished house I lost
or the ones I found instead.
Should I say anything
about being cheated
or being the treacher perhaps?

Where can I find
the images I see
yet lose sight of.
Can I never find
those memories of yester
my mind wouldn't recall?

Why shoud I cry
for the cat that stung
my hand, leaving it cold.
Should I not cry
even for that infant
I found dead in the bag?

Who should I ask
about the crying child
on her way to Jungfreu.
Should I care to ask
the name of the snow covered town
I walk around without getting lost?

How am I to learn
what are you trying to teach me
if you insist on being so cryptic.
How should I know
what you mean to me
when I know not who you are?

This and That

VAPORISING THOUGHTS

The past few months I have had a zillion thoughts I wanted to pen down, but they vaporised faster than camphor. I had always been a bit incoherent but now it seems more and more difficult for me to write one coherent line. This is the closest I can get to writing something now..........


SKY's THE LIMIT

I thought the day would never come when you could look up at the sky and find it easier to count the stars (of which there were many) than the number of air planes. No seriously. For a minute I thought maybe a major catastrophe was about to happen in London and this was all a part of the evacuation plan! Again seriously, is climate change, credit crunch and the likes for real??

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IN THERAPY

The most cherished thing in my life right now is the walk back home. It started quite simply one summer's day. I decided to walk back home from work for fun. It felt good; besides having given up the gym and not chocolates (as intended) this was to be my only salvation! So I decided it would continue till the end of summer. Once autumn sets in, days become shorter and my classes start it might have to stop. It's a month since end of summer and I haven't stopped. I continue to walk back home, now every single day. I find I simply can't give it up. The foxes have made me abandon the short cut and take the longer route and I can't thank them enough!

There was a time when I wanted to get home from work as soon as possible. I felt safe, warm and comforted in the confines of those walls. But now I take my time to get back home. I walk, taking the longest possible path, smallest possible steps, slowest possible pace which slows down further as I approach my former comfort zone - the now abandoned couch. Not that anything at home makes me feel uncomfortable or threatened. But being in the open, walking a path where I may pass a few strangers but am on my own, completely with myself, wading through those golden leaves strewn at my step, soaking in the cool crisp air or the drizzle as the case maybe is just the kind of therapy I need!

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CHANGE IS IN THE AIR

It's not just the autumn air that is fresh. With all that is going on in my life now I think there is some change in the air about me. The resistance kicking in within me only enunciates this creeping change. I can't say yet what is changing but something surely is!

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SEASONALITY

I have made up my mind. Autumn is definitely my pick among the four seasons. Oh yes! It's 'DROP DEAD' gorgeous :)

and finally

CHECK ME OUT!

I am so HOT that on a perfectly cold evening I can melt a bar of Chocolate, just by holding it.

One of this is true

the only thing I refuse to believe is I am a believer

OR

the only thing I believe is I am a non-believer

Is there a difference??

Gripe

Life - is often Meaningful
Meaning - its often Personal
Personality - its often Indiviualistic
Individual - is often Social
Society - is often Detrimental

Detriment of Life, Meaning, Personality, Individual.

Truly Yours

So dear readers, of which you are many, hold your breath! And uske bawajood agar saanse kuch bachee ho tho (What? I am a SRK Fan!!) Wait for the end of the tag! I promise to give you Nirvana one way or the other!!

I am breaking my golden silence for this much thought of (not!) piece of borrowed (26 questions and 2 answers) tag. Why you ask? Because I thought this would be an interesting way of boring my forever bored mass readership! And then there were a lot of questions on food and for everything else I could display my levels of narcissim.

A-Available:
If you can reach me..
B-Best friend(s):
Meself
C-Cake or Pie:
Bit of both - (I am greedy!)
D-Drink of choice:
Wine
E-Essential thing used every day:
Brain (ha!)
F-Favorite color:
White
G-Gummy bears or worms:
Gummy bears if you're talking about the candy
H-Hometown:
Chennai, Always
I-Indulgence:
the amazing triumvirate - Chocolate, Cheese & Wine
J-January or February?
February (over Mar, Apr and all other months too!) it's my birth month re
K-Kids and names?
Girl - Tara, Boy - Aditya or Siddharth
L-Life is incomplete without
If I knew what it took to complete life, wouldn't my life be complete by now?!
M-Marriage date:
Are you going to send me anniversary gifts? If so 8th July
N-Number of siblings:
24714020
O-Oranges or apples:
Oranges
P-Phobias:
list of things I don't have phobia for would be shorter
Q-Quote:
There are Extremes, there are moderates then there is ME
R-Reason to smile:
Many, infact any!
S-Season:
Spring, I think.
T-Tag two people:
I already tagged myself and no one reads me anyway so there isn't any point tagging any one else
U-Unknown fact about me:
I am not a bad person (but does that make me a good person??)
V-Vegetable(s) you do not like:
Are you kidding me. There aren't any that I do like.
W-Worst habit:
You haven't guessed yet? Self Obssession!!
X-rays you have had:
Why do you ask?
Y-Your favourite food:
Cheese, Chocolate and Wine (Any food that has either or all of these!)
Z-Zodiac
Aquarius

I Want to Thank God

for endowing me with the special ability, talent if you will.....





to pluck (grasp) 'bad habits' out of thin air, just like that!!!

Thank You God!!!

Hoping against hope

am I? Is it too much to ask? Don't I have the right to ask, pray, wish? I sincerely hope without trying to sound too negative.......






that IPL bombs big time!!!!!

Why I hate Reality?

Because in reality, reality is an excuse! Reality is a self imposed constraint that stops us from getting what we want, doing what we want, being what we want.